


Tell me you’re only a dream

by LadyHawthorn



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bucky is 18, Forbidden Love, Homeschooling, Hydra (Marvel), Investigations, M/M, Murder, No Sex, Platonic Romance, Teacher!Steve, Teacher-Student Relationship, Why Did I Write This?, nobody will read this, pierce is a douchebag, policeman!Sam, student!bucky, why bucky always has to suffer?, writer!Tony
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-07 08:17:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4256118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyHawthorn/pseuds/LadyHawthorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Bucky Barnes was asked about his attitude towards school a few years ago, he definitely would  answer he thinks it’s a waste of time.<br/>He probably would say life is also a waste.<br/>Especially his life.<br/>Bucky really wanted to believe in something. His parents were religious, but young man found whole point of  ‘believing’ ridiculous.<br/>It is believed that belief can rescue, redeem a soul.<br/>But if souls are only a stupid bedtime story?<br/>No, Bucky didn’t believe in stories.<br/>He didn’t believe in anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One, cause I'm too lazy to make up a good title

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first fanfiction ever, I don't know why I have started writing this fic, but I always wanted to tell my Stucky story. If You will like it - I will post next parts. I would also love a feedback about my English, cause it isn't my first language.
> 
> So, enjoy!

If Bucky Barnes was asked about his attitude towards school a few years ago, he definitely would  answer he thinks it’s a waste of time.

He probably would say life is also a waste.

Especially _his_ life.

Bucky really wanted to believe in something. His parents were religious, but young man found whole point of  ‘believing’ ridiculous. 

It is _believed_ that belief can rescue, redeem a soul. 

But if souls are only a stupid bedtime story?

No, Bucky didn’t believe in stories. 

He didn’t believe in _anything_.

 

*******

 

Fall came quickly this year.  Green leaves of oaks around the Shield High School changed their colours from emerald green to reds and yellows. Air was filled with smell of coffee. Most of the students were glad they returned to school. Bucky not.

‘James, would you, if you were so kind, answer my question?’

Bucky has stopped looking through the window. It was the last class of this day, art history, or something like that. Stupid, as usually. And _James,_ ugh. The teacher was new at school.  Freshman, just from the college. Bucky used to give nicknames for teachs.  And Mr. Steve Rogers, didn’t know why, since Bucky saw him for the first time, was  “Captain America”.

‘I am kind, sir. But _alas_ I don’t know the answer. By the way, I don’t know if I even know the question.’ Bucky responded with wide, stunning smile. Some of his classmates started laughing.

Mr. Rogers frowned and Bucky felt a little disappointment. He should be nice. Kind. Not sardonic and cynic.

The bell rang at once.

Bucky immediately had started to pick up his books, when he heard:

‘Stop. Stay in class, James.’

Bucky has clamped his mouth. He saw Natasha Romanova, the exchange student  from Russia, who was piercing him with her gaze. Mr. Rogers had closed the door and after that neared to Barnes.

‘Sit down, James. We have to talk.’

Mr. Rogers stand in front of him, with folded arms.

‘No’ Bucky said. ‘I won’t. We can talk like that – like equals and please’ now Barnes was looking at eyes of his teacher and he realized  that they’re beautiful – green-blue-grey, probably? Bucky wasn’t an artist.  He was a man, in addition. He has only knew that, _damn_ , this eyes are beautiful. Why he didn’t notice this earlier?

_Stop._

‘Please, call me Bucky. Not James’ Barnes’ voice softened all of sudden.

Captain America gave him a little smile, forced.

“Okay, _Bucky’_   teacher started.  ‘I’m observing you since I started working here. You’re intelligent, _very intelligent_ , but you’re wasting your potential…’

‘… I know what happened to your sister… Bucky. I know that you’re blaming yourself, too. You shouldn’t.’

‘You have no claim to say things like that!’ Bucky whispered and his voice almost broke ** _._** ‘If you want to be a good Samaritan, you got a wrong address… _teach_.’

They were looking at each other. Bucky didn’t hear anything, expect from blood hum in ears. Fury in his veins started to burn his skin. Why this stupid teach had to mention Rebecca? Why…

‘Now, excuse me.’ Barnes’ voice was cold as an ice. ‘I had to go. Have a nice day, sir.’

‘Bucky, wait!’

Barnes could run very fast. Really. But, it is believed you will never run away from your past.

It can haunt you.

Still, Bucky tried to run away.

He ran out from school, constantly hearing the Rogers’ voice behind his back, ordering him to stop. Bucky didn’t listen.

He didn’t see anything.

Only blood.

Red, warm.

His sister’s blood on his face, arms, hands. Bucky felt it. He felt the emptiness in his heart. He was blaming yourself deservedly. This was his fault.

He was crossing the street, when he heard:

‘Bucky – _NO!_ ’’

Barnes has only seen a fast car on the left and right away he was flying, laying on black, hot asphalt road. Blood was covering his body, seeping from his body.

Pain was everything. Pain was nothing.

Pain was the only thing that left for Bucky.

‘Bucky, look at me. Look at me. Somebody call the ambulance!’

Whose voice it was? Bucky tried to remember. He failed.

“Bucky, Bucky, look at me.’

Boy opened his yes – and he saw the light.  He have seen the most beautiful eyes in his life. Angel’s.

‘Everything will be okay. Just… stay with me. You hear me? Just stay with me, Bucky.’

This angel knew his name. At that time, Bucky started believing in something. He will stay.

He won’t go.

He confided in this trust.

Trust to his guard angel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter Two, owing to the fact I should stick with that (whoa, it even rhymes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next (very short) chapter of "Tell me you're only a dream" and because of that I will post next one along with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea who left this one kudos, but know - I love You!  
> By the way, happy birthday Steve!

‘He won’t make it.’

‘Doctor, don’t say things like that. We have to do this.’

‘Sir, are you sure? You’re now the only family he has. What will happen when he wake up?’

‘I have no idea.’

‘Accident caused amnesia.  Some parts of his identify is buried deep down, deep in his mind. When James Barnes is going to wake up, he can be a completely different person.’

‘ _Bucky_. His name is _Bucky_. I know the risk, doctor. But, for god’s sake! Save him. Do it.’

‘My assistant will bring you the papers. I still think James – _Bucky_ \- is too young, but if this is your will, Mr. Rogers, he will participate in our Winter Soldier project.’

 

*******

_Just stay with me. You hear me?_

_‘… Bucky.’_

Out of the blue, young man opened his eyes and caught a breath. He didn’t know anything. His sight was blurred. Mind too. He only knew that he can’t feel his legs.

And…

Something else.

Eyes of nameless boy lain on somebody’s left arm. But it couldn’t be, it’s just couldn’t be true…

Fast pitapat.

Who was screaming? Girl? He should remember, he know this voice.

He _knew._

_No, it was him who was yelling._

‘Doctor, patient woke up!’

Even he wasn’t able to feel his legs, he felt they’re his. Nonetheless, left arm wasn’t his.

Only a piece of metal.

 ‘Stay calm!’ voices ordered. Boy didn’t notice that he was constantly yelling and tussling in his bed.  Hands of faceless creatures had tried to hold him down, but the real cause couldn’t be hold down.

Who could calm his mind?

‘Bucky!’

‘Please. It’s me. You see? It’s me.’

A deathly hush fell. Young man focused on timbre of this voice. He even could behold his face.

Or more precisely, eyes.

‘You see?’ angel gave him a beautiful wide smile, but boy knew it was forced. ‘Everything is alright’ he took his right palm. ‘Just stay with me. Stay with me Bucky.”

‘Who the hell is Bucky?” whispered young man. At once darkness collapsed, taking everything away.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter - summary needed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't believe I'm really writing fics.

Last three months weren’t too kind for Steve Rogers. He could without no problem name at least three reasons why.

 

 **Firstly:** James Buchannan Barnes.

Guilt has poisoned young teacher’s blood and mind. If he weren’t that proud and interfering, he would never initiate this conversation. Bucky would have been never hit by car.

But Steve Rogers have done it.

 

 **Secondly:** Bucky Barnes.

Steve had to initiate _this_ conversation – he was observing Bucky since he crossed the threshold of Shield High School. Bucky needed help, regardless of what he was saying. However, Barnes was a beautiful subject of observation. Maybe Rogers tried to convince himself that boy is needing his help.

Indeed, he witnessed her sister’s murder.

He saw her dying.

 

 **Thirdly:** Bucky **.**

Barnes has been in coma since accident. Whole Shield High School attempt to help Barnes’ family, who was already mourning the death of the eldest child, Rebecca, who was also the Shield High School alum.

And then, five days after, _it_ happened.

Parents of Barnes and his younger sister, Amy died in car accident.

 

It set Rogers in situation he could never imagine.  Bucky was an orphan – he didn’t have any family, no aunts, uncles. Godfathers, godmothers, grandparents. Nobody. He was an underage without guardian.

Within 24 hours Steve has taken a decision, perhaps without knowing it will be most important decision in his whole life.

He failed an application to be a Bucky’s legal guardian.

Three days after court agreed.

But it wasn’t the end of teacher’s problems.

Bucky was in coma. Doctors of Triskelion Hospital said that impact probably caused amnesia. Bucky also lost most of his left arm. Barnes’ parents agreed to hospitalization, but, no… Steve knew it won’t be enough.

It was the beginning of October. Friday – Rogers at work hardly ever thought about lessons until Nicholas Fury, headmaster of Shield High School gave him a sick leave. Thenceforth, Rogers spend most of his time sitting next to the Bucky’s bed.

‘You don’t feel any better, Steve, do you?’

Steve lifted up his head.  His friend, beautiful English teacher Margaret “Peggy” Carter stood in the doorway of hospital room. Rogers knew this gaze – how many times Peggy looked at him like that since he started to work at Shield High School? Steve lost count.

‘You would feel better if you were me?’

‘No.’

Peggy had came closer to Steve. She peered at young boy.

‘He was so beautiful’ she breathed. ‘I remember when he entered into an argument with me. He was so… lively, whether you could have only seen his eyes, Steve…’

This didn’t make Steve feel any better.

‘I bet you’re right, Peggy.’ Steve was looking at Bucky. Barnes looked like he was sleeping, so peaceful. Rogers always wondered what was happening to him, in his mind. ‘But he is still… beautiful.’

Peggy took a deep breath.

‘I have something for you. I don’t know… however, you have to read it.’

She handed Steve the white folder.

“Winter Soldier Program?’

Peggy abashed.

‘This is a military program for… soldiers’ she started. ‘Who lost one or more of their limbs. Metal prosthesis. Army don’t want to lose well-trained people.’

Steve frowned. Peggy, who was two-three years older than him, already worked for British government, but she left and started learning. But it wasn’t the point. The idea of Bucky’s participation… No, Steve couldn’t do that.

‘I really look up to you. Think about that. The faith of this youngster lays in your hands. Make good decisions.’

She had leaned and kissed Steve’s forehead.

‘Don’t blame yourself. Me and Sharon make today lasagna for dinner. Come.’

‘I will consider this.’

Peggy smiled.

‘Winter Soldier Program will help Bucky. Read this – he is a perfect candidate. This only can make everything better, not worse.’

‘I’m going to read it, Peggy. Don’t worry.’

‘I’m sure You will.’

She looked at Bucky.

‘You’re right. He is still beautiful. Beautiful kid. But if I were him, I would never wake up. The message of family’s death would break my heart.’

‘Doctor Rumlow said that he probably won’t remember anything.’

Something changed in Peggy.

‘Oh.’

‘I know. Oh.’

‘I will go now. Take care. Of him and yourself.’

Peggy left the room. Steve held the white folder. Metal prosthesis, he thought. Bucky would be never constrain to live without his left arm. But  how would he react to this?

This was another reason why lately anything wasn’t too kind for Rogers. He spend the next six-seven hours listening to Marvin Gaye (whose music he always put on when he was with Bucky), looking at his foster child, thinking.

And thinking.

‘Mr. Rogers?’

Steve had opened his eyes. Doctor Rumlow stood in front of him.

‘It’s… nearly eleven o’clock.’

‘Really? I have no idea.’

Rumlow checked the Bucky’s condition.

‘He’s stabile. I think he will wake up soon. But you… you should take a nap’ Rumlow said to Rogers. Steve took a white folder.

‘I noodle over that, but… before… do you know where is a telephone? I had to call somebody and I forgot to take mine.’

Doctor Rumlow puzzled.

‘On the ground floor.’

‘Thank You.’

Steve took Bucky’s right hand. It was cold.

‘Goodnight, Buck.’

Rogers had noticed Rumlow rolled his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. With incomprehensible pain, Steve exited the room.

‘Sharon, I have a call! Oh my goodness…’ something bleeped, when he phoned Peggy. ‘Hello, this is Mrs. Peggy Carter speaking. If you want to bother me at this time, at this _late_ time, you better have a proper reason. And now,excuse me, _who am I talking to_?’

Peggy delivered this lines with pretended politeness, which could startle anybody, but usually startled her students. That’s why Steve didn’t visit her and Sharon, her niece (and also P.E teacher in Shield High School) – he adored and admired Peggy,  but he also cared about his life.

‘Peggy… you’re talking to me.’

‘Steve? Bloody hell, I’m so sorry. Lately Stark tends to call me. By night. About his new book. I’m furious. Really. Maybe that’s why he resigned from consultations in _real_ life.’

Yeah – Tony Stark definitely was a complete douchebag, Steve knew this. Writers can be really annoying. He only could talk about three things: about his next novel, his another book and his following tome of his series, “Iron Man”.

‘Don’t mind me’ said Peggy after prolonged silence. ‘So… you made up your mind?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re sure about it?’

‘Yes.’

‘I will phone Professor Zola tomorrow. You have taken the best decision, Steve. Now, take a nap. You need it.’

‘I will. Goodnight, Peggy.’

‘Goodnight’ she rang off.

Steve have been standing for five minutes, holding the handset. He had no idea if his decision is good or bad. He only wish Bucky won’t hate him for that.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fourth chapter - I will need more chocolate to end this fic, for sure.

Bucky Barnes awakened on Black Friday.

That is to say, boy woken up before, when scientists and doctors of H-DRA team, who have been leading the Winter Soldier Program “stitched down” the metal arm. Anyone, including Bucky, didn’t know he was conscious during that operation. However, his real awakening happened on Black Friday.

And it didn’t go well.

It was a pure horror. Steve, who came to Triskelion as fast as he can from shopping with Bruce Banner (Physics teacher), wasn’t even allowed to go on second floor. Actually, whole second floor was evacuated and closed.

‘He attacked one of the doctors. He is not in good state. This… medicines we gave him, don’t affect him well. He vomits. All the time.’

The leader of H-DRA team, Professor Zola, Arnim Zola, was as short as his surname and definitely, Rogers didn’t trust him. He only wanted to see Bucky. Nevertheless, he gave the permission for this people to… Help Bucky? His charge was puking his guts out – he was suffering. Because of Steve.

‘He will get used to it, Mr. Rogers. This medicines are needful for his health.’

‘I want to see him’ respond Steve. Zola shook his head.

‘He is in shock. He… talks in Russian.’

‘ _Russian?_ ’

‘I know, this is incredible.’

‘He has been learning Russian’ Rogers recalled. ‘But… How it’s possible?’ Steve was truly stunned. Zola ignored that question.

‘He is in perfect state - All of his limbs, muscles are operational. Metal arm is  heavier that the other one, but it’s not the problem. He also ought to be rehabilitate for week, maybe two. He’s strong. Very strong. When we will be sure he is ready and recovered, you can take him home, sir. We will only demand some reports about his health. Daily. ’

Steve folded his arms.

‘What about… his mental health?’

‘I do not understand.’

‘He remembers anything? He was saying about his… family, sisters… _me_?’

Zola had cleared his throat.

‘No. Only about some… angel? It sounded alike. Maybe.’

Steve nodded.

‘Thank You.’

‘At your service. By the way, when the procedure is going to finish, Mr. Pierce wants to meet you.’

‘Mr. Pierce?’

‘The founder of H-DRA. If James Barnes’ case succeed, we will help a lot of soldiers.’

‘Good. I will do it.’

Zola gave him a wide smile. Something in Steve writhed. Zola left him and teacher were sitting all alone in hospital hallway. Even from here, he could hear the Bucky’s screams.

 

***

 

He felt too much.

Bucky - that was his name? He didn’t know. Young man was looking at white ceiling. But maybe it was the sky? Maybe the sky is white too?  Damn, he didn’t know.

He didn’t know.

He. Did. Not. Know.

_He didn’t know._

But he _knew_.

He had no idea what this faceless creatures pumped into him. Maybe he should feel pain? He used to feel it. Maybe he should be afraid? Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

He felt nothing.

Young man laid on bed, not able to move.

‘Mr. Barnes?’

This voice. He took a deep breath. He saw that this creature has a new drip-bag.

He sensed when _it_ got into his veins.

Just – oh god – Just… _nooo_ …

 

_His sister has fallen on her knees. Two bullets._

_One in heart._

_One in head._

_It was him – the faceless creature._

_It killed Becca._

_Mechanical sound._

_Bucky could avenge his sister’s death. His fingers clamped on creature’s neck…_

_And…_

Something twisted in his body. Somebody dragged him away. All of boy’s muscles, fore tight, now relaxed. Where is his guardian angel, when he is surrounded by devils?

And then, Bucky knew.

He saw his angel’s eyes.

Why did he leave him? Why Bucky was alone now?

Car hit him again.

And then again, there was no Bucky.

Only words.

 

 _Angel of God, my guardian dear_ _,_

_  
to whom God's love commits me_

_  
here, ever this day, this night be at my side,_

_  
to light and guard, to rule and_

_  
guide._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five chapter - and I need more chocolate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought I would be grateful about Russian classes at school.

Steve saw Bucky on Saturday.

Or he and Natasha Romanova saw Bucky on Saturday. Rogers hadn’t used to ask his former students (he had no idea how long he will be on  “sick” leave), but Natasha was the first person, who came to his mind, when he got the permission to see Bucky. Unlike Steve, she knew Russian and she was one of Bucky's classmates.

Triskelion Hospital, as usually, was silent. One of H-DRA team members, middle-aged woman, waited for Steve. ‘She can’t go with you, sir’ she said, when she saw Romanova. Natasha, who was presumptuously chewing bubble gum, looked at her defiantly.

‘Of course, she can’  Steve placed his hand on teenager’s arm. ‘She’s my translator, in case I will need one.’

Woman didn’t look pleased. At the same time Natasha popped her bubble gum.

‘We haven’t talked with him. As his legal guardian, we thought that it will be the best for him, if you will be the… ‘ next bubble pop. ‘First person, who…’ another pop. Woman rolled her eyes. ‘Just say who he really is, sir. But don’t say he is an orphan.’

‘As his legal guardian, I’m afraid I can’t do that.’

Woman had opened the door and led Steve and Natasha through empty floor. Rogers, astonished, noticed one room – maybe Bucky’s? – was guarded by two military men. Even his companion, Natasha looked startled.

‘Like I said, James Barnes ‘ case is incredible. Prosthesis works better than well. One of my assistants, poor soul, almost was asphyxiated by him.’ Professor Zola gave them a polite smile. ‘We gave him a tranquilizer. He’s ready to talk with you. Maybe even in English, because he talked in it during his yesterday sleep. We suspect Barnes in stressful situations starts to talk in Russian.’

_Stressful?_

‘I will wait for you here, Mr. Rogers’ said Natasha. ‘If you will need a _translator_ ,  you know where you find me.’

She quickly sat on near chair. She was nervous – Rogers knew how students look, when they were cheating on test.  And Natahsa looked like that.

Was this a test?

Steve, feeling the gaze of Zola, Natasha and nameless men, opened the door to Bucky’s room. He wasn’t sure what he expected. It was dark – all windows was covered by blinds. Bucky laid still in his bed, looking straight ahead, but this gaze gave Steve uncanny shivers. Rogers was aware that he and Bucky is observed by H-DRA team, because he had noticed earlier small cameras in corners of room.

He loudly moved a chair closer to Bucky’s bed, but  boy still didn’t react.

‘Bucky.’ Teacher focused on empty eyes of his charge.

‘Can you hear me?’ Steve leaned to him. This was irresponsible – Rogers heard that Bucky almost garroted somebody. ‘Do you understand me?’

Boy’s irises have changed their colour from light green to fair blue-grey, when they laid on Rogers. He breathed something soundlessly.  Steve momentarily thought Bucky wanted to give him a smile or greeting, but he couldn’t. At the drop of a hat, teacher took his palm.

The left one.

Bucky looked startled for a second and then, started to staring at their connected  hands.

‘Who… are… you?’ his voice belonged to the child, not nearly adult man. He attentively drew back metal palm. Steve for some seconds felt it’s cold.

'My name's Steve Rogers’  teacher said in soft voice. Bucky has closed his eyes.

‘I should… remember something. But I….don’t. I knew you’ Barnes’ quiet voice caused Steve’s heart nearly broke. ‘Did I know you?’

‘Yes.’

‘I was alone. Why I was alone?’

Steve hadn’t understand why he felt so protective about this teenager, his former student – now a foster child. What force him to took care of him? Why did he yield to this feeling ? Why he couldn’t stand the thought of Bucky’s suffering?

Rogers heard once a story that people born only with the half of their soul. They live – some of them feel they’re not complete and try to fill this emptiness by religion, hobbies, even drugs. Some of them sooner or later, meet the other half.

Their kindred spirit.

And everything makes perfect sense afterwards.

If Bucky’s was Steve’s kindred soul? Barnes was the first student who drew his attention, but not because of his appearance – he was handsome, yes, but because of his stare. Bucky had the eyes of old man. He had the same stare as his late mother, Sarah Rogers. Maybe that’s why he felt that strong… duty to take care of this 17 year old boy, without regard for he was almost decade older than him?

‘You’re not alone. I’m here.’ Rogers whispered.

‘Why I’m here?’

‘You had been hit by car. You have been in coma for three months.’

Bucky gulped.

‘I could go. But I stayed’ he was lost. ‘Why did I stay?’

Steve didn’t comprehend the purport of this question.

‘Somebody begged me to stay’ Bucky breathed. ‘Yes. I was begged to stay. By _who_? I have no idea.’

This froze Steve’s blood. _It’s me. I begged him to stay_ , recalled Rogers. Bucky remembered him. However, Steve couldn’t tell him that. Not now.

 ‘You look alike. I think I have seen your eyes before’ he heard.

‘Because you’ve seen me before, Bucky’  Steve replied.

Barnes’ face changed, when he heard his name.

‘It’s my name?’

‘Yes, it’s yours. James Buchanan Barnes.  You don’t remember that because you have amnesia. If this would make you feel better, you always preferred naming you Bucky.’

‘You’re my family… _Steve_?’

Steve looked away.

‘Now, I am’ Bucky’s face hadn’t expressed any emotions, therefore Rogers continued. ‘Before accident you have a family. But they died. Two months ago, when you were in coma.’ Steve realized he was going to lie to Bucky about his family’s death. But maybe Bucky shouldn’t know that he witnessed his sister’s death. Not now.

Not now.

‘I was your Art history teacher, Bucky. After they died I… took a care of you. I’m your legal guardian.’

Bucky winced and frowned.

‘Should I be sad about my… family’s death?’ his irises faded out. ‘I don’t remember them. If this makes me a monster… If I am not sad?’

Steve shook his head.

‘No, Bucky. Of course not! But you will remember. It’s only matter of time. You have to recover.’

‘I’ve seen odd images in my head’ Bucky whispered. ‘They gave me something and my blood… was on fire. Fire. And I woke up with this’ he pointed his left arm. ‘I was alone. If somebody had begged me to stay, why he left me?’

At this moment, the door opened.

‘Mr. Rogers, the visit is over’ doctor Rumlow said. Steve noticed that Bucky froze, looking at drip-back held by man. Something changed in him.

‘ _M_ _ы_ _оставля_ _́_ _ешь_ _меня_!’ he yelled without warning. ‘ _O_ _ни_ _́…_ ’ all of sudden boy’s eyes got incredibly grand. ‘ _Oни́ уби́ли мою сестру! Я по́мню!’_

Rogers was stunned by that sudden change in boy. For the first time, Bucky looked at Steve and… he looked like old Bucky. Aware. Like Peggy described him – lively. And then, somebody dragged away Steve and closed the door. Rogers couldn’t believe what happened.

‘You don’t want to hear that, sir’ Natasha got up from chair and stood next to him. She was pale, too pale.

Steve clenched his fists. Leaving Bucky was always causing pain – the mental and this physical.

‘No, I don’t.’

Without permission, they left the second floor, passing by H-DRA members. When they were coming down the stairs, Natasha stopped Rogers.

‘I have heard what he said’ she breathed.

‘What?’ Steve still thought about Bucky. His student voice put him off his stride.

‘This walls are so thin… I know… what he said’ Natasha’s eyes suffused with terror.

‘What did he say?’ Steve asked almost as quiet as she. Romanova cleared her throat. She looked around, as if she was afraid they were observed or eavesdropped. Maybe they were.

‘Barnes’ she muttered. ‘Said they killed his sister and… he remembers.’


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to guests who left kudos and my beautiful mum, who made a blueberry crumble. Writing in English always makes me hungry.

‘So, can I take him home?’

It was the end of rehabilitation session with Dr. Maria Hill.Bucky was well – Rogers talked with him every day and his fits of anger and hallucinations have disappeared – doctors explained they were caused by medicines concoction. In two weeks Bucky, still pale and lean, nearly recovered.

Rogers has done all he could to help him – he answered to all charge’s question, stayed with him until he didn’t fall asleep. He was at his rehabilitation sessions. Since he awakened, Bucky hadn’t smiled – not even once. To Steve, he resembled machine – and metal arm only intensified that similarity. Rogers didn’t like the red star on it, but this was the logo of H-DRA – and they forbade to remove it.

Day by day, Steve felt that his affection to this boy is getting stronger.

Steve signed a lot of papers to bring Bucky home – he had to watch over student, hand him medicines, work with him to use his metal arm. He also had to send H-DRA daily reports about Barnes’ condition.

Only one thing persecuted young teacher.

Has Bucky seen the face of his sister’s murderer?

When his charge was in coma, Rogers spend many hours reading police reports (he was able to do that, because one of his great colleagues, Sam Wilson, was a policeman) about Rebecca Barnes’ murder and Barnes’ car accident. It was not possible that everyone died within five months in odd circumstances and the only one survived family’s member had amnesia.

This family either was cursed or they were somebody’s aim.

Or Steve was a paranoid.

 ‘Of course, Mr. Rogers. He is all yours’ Dr. Hill, pretty brunette, gave him a wide smile. Steve looked at Bucky, who was unconsciously massaging the metal arm.

‘I’ve got news for you, Buck.’

Boy lifted his head up, but dark brown hair hooded his face. Steve, unwittingly, planned to crop them, so that Bucky would look like before accident. He smiled.

‘We’re coming home.’

 

***

 

Bucky couldn’t believe he can escape.

For last two weeks, he constantly fought with everything – the desire to yell, to avenge, to kill his doctors who were supposed to cure him. He fought with feel of not feeling anything. He still has seen in his dreams blood, fire. Devils. Screams. He wasn’t safe. He wasn’t safe – he knew that.

He was certain about that.

Bucky started to behave like doctors would like him to behave., because he knew it’s the only way they would discharge him from hospital. They wanted the results – and Barnes gave them.

He didn’t trust anyone.

Expect Steve.

He didn’t remember anything about his former teacher, school or family. But he trusted him. He always looked forward to spending time with him. Maybe because of his eyes, Bucky couldn’t even think that his guardian would lie to him or harm.

It was unconscious.

Because only with him Bucky felt safe.

Perhaps his guardian angel did not leave him? Or he did, but Steve showed up instead.

And now, he was bringing him home.

 

***

 

‘So, Bucky, how are you?’

Barnes’ noticed Steve in his new bedroom’s door. He stopped unpacked clothes.

His clothes.

He used to dress like that?

‘Better, sir.’

‘Steve’ Bucky couldn’t become accustomed to name his guardian like that. ‘I made some food. I bet you’re hungry.’

Bucky wasn’t  hungry, however he tried to eat something. After dinner, Steve asked him to come to his living room, what Barnes did. He looked around - he liked Steve’s house. It was small, cosy and comfy, on the suburbs of New York. It perfectly matched Rogers’ personality. 

It was also Bucky home now.

‘We have to talk about few things’ Steve said. ‘Your recovery isn’t over, Buck. But I think you and me don’t want to return to hospital.’

Bucky heart speeded.

‘As long as you regain your memories, recover, I will stay with you, you will stay with me, do you understand?  You won’t go to school, like me – I’m going to teach you at home, headmaster Fury permitted it. You don’t hide anything– if you feel bad, if you have a nightmare – tell me. I’m responsible for you and I don’t want you to suffer.’

‘You… had to inform them. About  _everything_.’

Steve face changed.

‘I had to, Bucky. But… I really care about you, not them. I only want you to be happy.’ Roger’s eyes was filled with unintelligible emotion, unknown for Bucky. Suddenly, young man felt an odd warmth in his heart.

‘So… we will plan timetable tomorrow, but…’ Steve looked tired. ‘You had to know that… I really tired to persuade Zola about your medicines. You still has to take them.’

Fright resurfaced in Bucky’s body.

 _They’re poisoning him._  They want to kill him – Bucky didn’t take “medicines” for only 72 hours and he felt better, much better. He succeed in stemming vomiting, but he couldn’t stand doing it… All the time.

“You don’t hide anything.”

Has been Bucky hiding something?

‘O-kay’ boy’s voice trembled. Steve didn’t look convinced.

‘So… you know where is your bedroom and bathroom. I’m going to send e-mail to H-DRA about your first day. And then I will.. give you the injection.’

‘Okay.’ Bucky got up from sofa.

He fought with himself. He couldn’t say Steve about his thoughts. If anyone wants to kill him, telling about that his guardian would kill him too. And Bucky couldn’t stand even thinking about that.

Another person murdered because of him.

‘ _Thank You_ ’ he whispered.  ‘ _About… All of that._ _Thanks.’_

Steve shook his head. Bucky had realized he said this in Russian. He couldn’t explain why – it happened to him since he woke up – when he was getting really overwrought his mind reset to this language.

‘It’s okay’ he heard Steve’s voice. ‘Look, Bucky. If you keep talking in that language, maybe I will learn it?’

Steve’s eyes laid on him, taking Bucky’s breath and worry away. Rogers smiled to him.

And, what was oddly enough, Bucky wanted to return this smile.

 

***

 

Bucky became the main priority in Steve’s life. After a one week of living together Rogers uneasily could recall times, when he didn’t see brunet in his living room reading, writing or just peering him when he was drawing.

They had lesson in the mornings – Bucky remembered how to read and write, but he forgot some of particular words and kept mixing them with Russian.  Steve tried not to correct him and after some days, he could understand some of them. Bucky usually was quiet and silent – he was a complete opposite of Bucky Barnes known by Steve before – but sometimes, only one curious and sardonic glimpse in his eyes has been giving hope to Rogers.

Sometimes, in the evenings, Steve had a call from Peggy, Sam or Tony, who asked him about him and his foster child’s health. Bucky, as part of his rehabilitation, started to do as much as possible with his left hand. His first attempt of writing  made a hole in one of Steve favorite  sketchbooks – the left arm was so strong that Bucky sometimes forgot  he has to use it very carefully.  H-DRA always reminded Steve of this – and of importance of medicines to Bucky’s health.

However, as long as Bucky would not assimilate in his home and to his new life, Steve refused to take him to cemetery to show him his family’s graves, as many of his friends advised him to do. Instead of that, he showed photographs of them to Bucky and described each one.

‘I wish I could remember them’ this was an only Bucky’s response. Teenager sat stiffly in Steve’s armchair, with hair  falling on his face (Steve still couldn’t find strength to crop them).

That night Steve cried for the first time for years.

Two weeks passed. Steve, occupied with taking care of Bucky, almost didn’t notice Christmas was around the corner. Bucky’s condition was getting better – or Rogers believed it was.

Steve turned off his laptop – his daily report to H-DRA was sent and he only dreamt about hitting the hay. Bucky had got today his injection (he was supposed to getting it every three days) and he was sleeping upstairs in his bedroom.

Rogers went upstairs to his room. He didn’t even change his clothes, only felt on the bed.

Sleep usually came to Rogers easily. But tonight, he caught himself on staring at the watch. Every now and then he has seen the moving lights and shadows on room’s walls, when vehicles passed by his house.

And then, among the night’s silence, he heard a painful groan.

Steve sat on his bed. Could he mishear?

Something had fallen in the bathroom.

Steve jumped off his bed.

‘Bucky? What are you –‘

Steve opened the bathroom’s door and froze in awe. The pair of dark blue eyes  filled with pain laid on him.

Bucky, shaking, has clamped his fingers on edges of can. The sweat was covering his whole body. At the beginning Steve didn’t understand what was happening, until boy moaned again and bent his head over the lavatory.

‘Oh my god, Bucky’  Steve immediately fell on his knees and brushed away boy’s hair from face. Bucky’s skin was nearly as white as today’s snow. No – green-white. Steve saw how fast charge’s chest was falling down and rising up.

Steve had no idea how long Bucky has been vomiting. At one point, he started to hold down the shaking and tired boy’s body. The shadows and lights were moving on bathroom’s walls, when Bucky finally took a deep breath of relief.

Rogers helped him to get up and rinsed his mouth. Bucky was breathing heavily, still covered in sweat. He leaned on Steve. Teacher could feel how fast his heart was beating.

‘Please… don’t… make me take this…’ Bucky breathed. ‘I don’t wanna. I – I w-wanna remember’ his voice broke. Boy placed his head on Steve’s chest and embrace the young teacher. Rogers felt his warm breath on his left collarbone and metal arm’s cold on waist.

On the spur of the moment, Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s head.

‘Everything is alright’ he whispered to his ear. ‘I will not force you to do anything.’

‘Don’t let my blood was on fire’ Bucky said. He lifted up his head and looked on Steve. His eyes was incredibly, almost inconceivably blue and big. ‘I… can’t stand this.  I just wanna remember’ his fingers balled on Steve’s waist. He also closed his eyes.  

‘Bucky, you will remember. It’s only a matter of time.’ 

‘I won’t. They want to _уби_ _́_ _ть_ _меня_.’ 

‘Nobody wants to… _уби_ _́_ _ть_ _you,_ Bucky. Nobody will touch you, I promise.’ Steve ushered Bucky to boy’s bedroom. Barnes still has been breathing heavily. He sat on his bed, amongst disarranged beddings. 

 _Dehydration_ , Steve thought.  _Bucky can suffer from dehydration after puking his guts for 3 hours._   

‘ _C пасибо_’ Bucky said, when Steve gave him a glass of water.  _Thank You,_ Rogers momentarily translated in his mind. Barnes quickly drank the water. Steve noticed that his charge had stopped shaking. 

‘You have to change your clothes before you will go to bed’ Steve intimated. Sleeveless grey shirt worn by Barnes was completely wetted by sweat. Bucky purred something, when Steve placed one of his shirts from drawer. After a few seconds boy took off his shirt and wore the other one. Steve, all the while, couldn’t take his eyes of him – he espied boy’s prominent ribs and every nearly humane motion of his metal arm. 

‘You will tell them that I puked all this medicines, don’t ya?’ Bucky asked. His voice was husky, still too dry. 

‘I don’t know’ Steve confessed. 

‘Don’t tell them’ Barnes’ voice lowered. ‘I beg you, Steve. Don’t.’ 

Steve shook his head. ‘They want only the best for you’ another lie. Rogers came near him. ‘We will talk about that tomorrow, Bucky.’ Boy was beholding him – and this was the gaze, which always caused the guiltiness in Steve. 

‘They will listen to us. They think I know something’ now Bucky neared to Steve. ‘But I don’t know what I knew. What I am suppose to knew.’ Steve felt his throat is dry. ‘I’ve seen odd images in my head, sir. I don’t want them. And all of this is caused by them. This –‘ 

‘-Bucky’ Boy had stopped pulling his metal arm, when Steve caught his wrist. ‘I promise, we are going to talk about that tomorrow. In place they… won’t be able to hear us. But now, sleep.’ 

‘Okay. I… will try.’

 ‘I will sleep on the armchair’ Steve pointed the furniture in the corner of the room. ‘ If you need anything-‘ 

‘-could you… sleep with me?’ Bucky interrupted teacher in mid-sentence. Steve was startled for a second. Bucky was looking straight at him, with his beautiful, innocent eyes. ‘You know… I don’t wanna be alone’ Bucky quickly added. ‘Please.’ 

Rogers was torn - he shouldn't do it - if somebody see that, it would set Rogers and Bucky in double-edged situation. He just couldn't sleep with Bucky, no matter what. He was his foster child, of course, however he was almost an adult.

But tonight, anybody could see that - and Bucky needed him.  This was more important than any social rules.

Steve nodded and bunked next to his charge. Bucky without delay placed his head on teacher’s shoulder.

‘That’s better?’ Steve asked.

‘Definitely, sir.’

Steve turned off the night lamp. After some minutes he felt that Bucky’s speeding heartbeat slows down and boy’s breathing is lighter.

There was something… unusual about feeling other body, human abreast for Steve. Nearly intimate – Rogers hadn’t slept (excluding sporadic one night stands in college) with anybody since high school. He hadn’t had anybody who could spend night with him or embrace him with that trust, which Bucky was embracing him.

He couldn’t stopped thinking about Rebecca Barnes’ murder and Bucky’s words. Barnes believed they want him dead. Who? H-DRA? That didn’t make any sense. Could Steve believe that or not? Bucky had hallucinations. Rogers asked Bucky about trust. And what happened? He found out his charge had been suffering all the time and that he didn't trust him. He was responsible for Bucky now – he was the one who begged him to stay. Steve was his legal guardian. Bucky had to trust him.

‘Everything will be alright, Buck. Just stay’ he whispered with fingers in Bucky’s hair, talking more to himself than him. Some minutes or hours later, Steve finally fell asleep.    


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just - Ant-Man credits happened.  
> Dead.  
> Why Bucky always has to suffer?

* * *

Bucky opened his eyes with first glare of the Sun.

At first, he didn’t understand what was wrong – he had felt other heartbeat, warmth in his usually cold bed. Then, he had noticed is embraced by someone – and he is cuddling this person too with his head placed on stranger’s chest.  Bucky couldn’t tell apart whose arms and legs, limbs were– they were so close to each other that this borders receded. It looked like they were one organism.

This did not disturb Bucky – he felt safe. So safe, he wish he could spend the rest of his life like that.

At that time, he remembered.

His body instinctually braced. Boy clenched his teeth and focused on Steve’s (that was his name, oh God, how he could forget that?) face. In that morning light his guardian looked so peaceful, relaxed.

And beautiful, but Bucky couldn’t think about him in that ways.

_One… Two…_

He told him about them. Now, they will kill him. Him and Bucky. No witnesses, evidences.

What Bucky was supposed to know?

_Three, four…_

Bucky focused more on guardian’s face, on long eyelashes throwing shadows on cheeks, on soft cures of his mouth pleading to be kissed.

_Don’t think about them. Nobody wants to kill you._

_They want me dead._

_Five, six…_

Bucky moved his right hand on Steve’s neck to touch his blond hair.

_Seven… eight…_

_‘_ You don’t sleep, Buck?’

Bucky immediately draw back his hand before he reached Rogers’ hair. How long  Steve has played possum? Or maybe he just did awake?

 ‘It’s almost seven thirty’ Steve said.   _How does he know that? He still didn’t opened his eyes,_ Bucky thought. Steve’s warm hands moved on his back, giving him aberrant shivers.

‘How are you feeling today, Bucky? Better?’ Barnes heard quiet question. Steve opened his eyes and this, what startled young man, took his breath away.

This eyes. Just – _damn. This is the most beautiful, stunning pair of eyes ever._

_God bless America._

_Why America_ , Bucky posed a question to himself in his mind.

‘I think better, sir’ he whispered. This voice didn’t belong to him.

Small smile occurred on his guardian’s lips.  

‘But we are going to talk today.’

They were laying abreast each other, looking at each other. Bucky had no idea why none of them got up or broke eye contact. It felt so natural, like they were sleeping with each other for years. Like they were know each other for years.

Like they were meant for each other.

‘Yes, si – Steve.’

‘You want a glass of water? You can stay in bed until I won’t prepare breakfast.’

Bucky shook his head.

‘No. And I’m not hungry.’

‘I will make pancakes.’

Bucky loved pancakes.  

‘Kay.’

Steve took away his hands from Bucky’s back and got up from bed. For some seconds, Bucky still felt his warmth on his skin. He had sensed deprived from it.  

‘I thought about that a lot, Bucky. By night. I think we… should see your family today.’

Something scrunched up in Bucky’s stomach.

Rebecca. Screams. Two bullets.

Car hit.

Pray to his guardian angel.

His hands, right hand started subtly shaking. Bucky quickly hid them under the sheets. He lifted up his head – Steve was observing him.

‘If you don’t want to see them now, I understand that’ he said.

‘No’ Bucky replied quickly. Maybe too quickly. His throat was so dry and he almost wheezed out his response. ‘I want to see them.’

‘Okay. Get dressed. I’m waiting for you downstairs.’

 

***

 

It started snowing again. When Steve was taking out the car of the garage, Bucky still felt on his tongue the maple syrup and pancakes. Moreover, the cold redden the tip of his nose and hands (or maybe one of it). Barnes straighten his black beanie on head and pushed his right palm and the metal _it_ deeper into pockets of his winter coat.

‘When my family was buried?’ he asked few minutes later.

Steve turned off the radio – he has a thousands tapes of old music. They were slowly leaving the New York’s suburbs.

‘On 5th October. After your accident.’

Bucky pulled his knees up.

‘I don’t know if I had told them I loved them.’

Steve’s eyes darkened.

‘They know you love them, Buck. ‘ Bucky shook his head and he saw the cemetery, covered in snow. Steve stopped the car. There was something wrong with him – Rogers has clamped his fingers on wheel, too firmly – he was nervous.

‘Buck… there’s one thing you have to know before we will see your family’ he finally said.

‘What, sir?’ were Bucky’s hands, was his right hand shaking in coat’s pocket?

Steve took a deep breath.

‘Your… older sister didn’t die with the rest of your family. She was murdered. Several months ago. You witnessed her death.’

At that moment, Bucky had known he ought to feel something. Rage? Fear? He didn’t know what he should feel. Relief?

No, definitely not.

However, that would explain his hallucinations. Since awakening Bucky has been seeing in his dreams some girl – her screams haunted him and every time Barnes has been looking into the mirror, he has seen her eyes instead of his. At first he thought maybe she was his girlfriend, but something was wrong. Has he had a girlfriend before accident? He had no idea.

Then Steve showed him his family photographs.

That girl was _his sister_.

Bucky cleared his throat.

‘I’m so sorry. I should tell you earlier.’

‘No – no, Steve. It’s okay’ Bucky breathed. ‘I didn’t tell you about injections, either. It’s only… What I _should feel_?’

Steve frowned.

‘Honestly? I have no idea.’

Bucky looked at the cemetery. Somewhere there, his family were buried. He balled the metal fingers on car’s seat.

‘We don’t have flowers for them.’

‘We will come to the other day. With beautiful wreath.’

Bucky nodded.

‘Bucky, if you don’t want to-‘

‘ _I wanna_ ’ Bucky grinded something out. ‘I – sorry. I’m a little _нервозный_.’

‘It’s… okay. You have rights to be nervous.’

It looked like a dream, it was so unreal - Bucky and Steve entered the silent graveyard. The only thing that Barnes could heard was his heart. They crossed few alleys and then Steve stopped.

Bucky realized he didn’t even remember their faces. He even didn’t what was his last memory of them. Blood has been humming in his ears.

_George Barnes, Winifred Barnes, Amy Barnes and Rebecca Barnes-Proctor…_

Not remembering his family didn’t cause that pain, that pain he was now allowed, he could feel, disappeared. No. Bucky, for the first time since he awakened, felt alive, enlivened by it, but in the most painful and saddest ways.

He knew what he had lost.

‘Bucky?’ Steve placed his hand on his shoulder.

‘My sister… Rebecca, Becky… was she married?’ he turned his face to guardian’s. Steve nodded.

‘Yes. She was… expecting a child, when she was murdered.’

Anger arisen in Bucky’s mind.

_Monsters, they’re monsters… Kill a woman bearing a child… Kill them. Avenge her, **their** death._

‘And her husband?’

‘I don’t know.’ Steve looked so confused and astonished it even surprised Bucky. Boy looked away, at graves.

‘I don’t wanna take their medicines, sir’ Bucky intimated. ‘Please, don’t make me take them.’

‘But they’re important to your health.’

‘No, they don’t. I feel much better now’ Bucky protested. He really did – everything was much more colorful, sharp, beautiful (especially Steve), as if drug haze enveloping his mind vanished. ‘I beg you, Steve. We… can lie. That I take them. If in a week I would go crazy… I will take them. _I promise._ ’

‘This isn’t right. I…They helped you. Why do you think H-DRA wants to kill you? Or somebody else?’

‘Do you really think if I know who really wants to kill me I wouldn’t tell you?’

Steve sighed.

 _'_ I am their target. Or asset’ this words came  suddenly to Bucky’s mind. ‘I know something, I _knew_ something important.’ He said in low voice. ‘ _Or destructive. They want to keep my mouth shut, I think._ ’

Russian. Again, bloody hell. He really wanted to talk in English.

‘This is my fault, all of that, Buck’ Steve’s quiet voice pulled out Bucky from his thoughts. ‘I was too stubborn.’

‘What are you talkin’ about, Steve…’

‘You have been hit by car because of me. I wanted to speak with you and you got mad at me… You ran out from school and…’

Now Bucky placed his hand, right hand, on teacher’s shoulder. He forced his face’s muscles to smile.

‘Don’t blame yourself. What had happened, that happened. What is now, is now.’

He neared to Rogers.

‘Do you believe in angels?’ he asked.

Teacher looked straight into his eyes.

‘What am I suppose to tell you?’

‘ _Truth._ ’

‘Truth’ Barnes quickly added. His hand still laid on Steve’s shoulder.

‘I think I had stopped believing some time ago, Buck.’

‘ _Why_?’

Steve shook his head.

‘Too many bad things happen to good people. Like you, like your family.’

‘But good things happen too. _You_ happened to me.’

‘You consider me as a “good thing”?’

‘Yeah.’

Steve laugh faintly.

‘Maybe I started believing in miracles’  he whispered. ‘I saw it. This car bobbed up and just hit you. I thought you won’t make it, Buck.  And I have prayed. To anyone, who listened to me. Prayed for you to awaken. To see you again. And it worked.’

Anger had disappeared, replaced by this odd warmth in Bucky’s heart. He just stared at his guardian, overwhelmed by emotions, which he couldn’t express or describe.

His right hand moved unwittingly and Bucky realized he took Steve’s hand. Teacher smiled to him and gripped it tighter.

‘And you, Bucky – do you believe in angels?’ he heard Rogers' question.

Barnes looked at his family’s graves and afterwards at Steve.

‘Yes, I do’ he replied.

 

***

 

Bucky, poor kid, fell asleep on the couch. It took a thirty minutes to Steve to stop beholding him on the pretext of drawing his portrait in one of his sketchbooks. Boy had to be emotionally and physically drained – this conversation in the cemetery, not taking the injection, vomits… Steve still didn’t make up his mind about Bucky’s medicines, but his heart was saying: _yes, Bucky is right_. _Don’t give this H-DRA shit to him. Something isn’t okay._ He still had three days, when he had to inform H-DRA that Bucky took his another injection, but he had to check something first.

Steve got up from armchair and cover Bucky with another blanket. It was dark outside – winter darkness already came. Steve thought he should start to plan Christmas.

Bucky and his first Christmas togehther.

Steve picked up his phone from coffee table.  Choosing the right number didn’t take him even five seconds.

‘Hey, Sam’ he said. ‘I need your help with something.’

 


End file.
